Never been this hurt before in my life. Never been this insulted ever. Never had so much hatred. Never been such ever in my life.

What do I want? You ask. Do I have a choice to answer?

Made me feel very small today. No dignity left. No pride left. Very hurt. Broken. Because you don’t understand.

Ever been surrounded with so many people and yet feel so lonely. I totally understand it. Life has never been a bed of roses. Not for me at least

Where have I gone? I have lost myself in this journey called life. perplexed? Buffled?

Where have I vanished? What have I turned into?

Lesser than a human, more than an animal. Cant look at myself anymore. What is left there, tell me

Too hurt to even type. Choking up my throat.

Need to breathe. Need some air. Suffocation. Been there

Pride, the most essential thing in a girls life, I don’t think I have any left anymore. Where do I pick myself? Where do I find myself.

Maybe I should vanish as you wish. This bit I can do for you. disappear from your life because you want me to leave you alone. This bit I can do for you. im sure. If youre happy if this is what you want, you may have it

Hate. Never had so much in my life. so much hatred. I don’t want a life as such. I spread love, don’t want to hate anymore. Too tired of fighting. Being nasty. Enough. Lets stop everything.

Everything…

Well, this entry is to remind some people where they stand in their life or well mine. Firstly, I wasn’t admitted due to fucking stroke. And the interesting rumors that I am partially paralyzed made me laugh frantically today. But what hurts most is it comes from people who actually knew the whole story. And when asked, you just said “ it was fun seeing peoples face when they got to know maha had a stroke’


You sick bastard. I don’t really care if your dad is some big shot who is gonna post me to somewhere really kampong or whatever. You’re sick and you know it. What fun did you get spreading rumors that there was a death prayers for maha on Sunday morning. Sick. Fucking sick.


Your lucky I dint get the news from your mouth. Plus im not to well to walk around showing people that all my limbs have perfect scores. What? You so dumb to know what’s status asthmaticus and a hypertensive crisis. And you’re a fifth year student! Shame on you. seriously, fucking shame of you.


You forget the duty of your profession. If you can’t appreciate life as it is now, you accept me to believe that you can actually save lives in a year and half. Balls! And you know that.


You can’t speak English for nuts. How was it when you said cucumber. Was is CHUCHUMBER! You stupid moron, fucking SOB.


So yeah, don’t come, sneaking behind my back telling people I had fucking stroke when I was in reanimation you sick maggot.

I was into the uni today after 1 week and people ask me how come im walking. And I was so blur. Till someone mentioned to me that they heard I had partial stroke and was paralyzed. Gosh. What wishes do you have?


One thing for sure. Get your own fucking notes. Get your own stuff.


Im so sick and tired of every single person around me. Just buzz off la. I don’t care anymore. And yes, this is the reason why I personally gave my URL of this blog to you today to read the entry.


You mess with me again, you fucking DIE! I will haunt you till the end of your days, squeeze your balls so tight that out of pain and agony, you balls pops up to form your mammary gland and your penis gets stuck in your throat and you plead for forgiveness. And then, perhaps I’ll take a break and well continue to do the same.


Ahh, feel better now.


And in case you don’t understand the words here moron, sorry yeah, I made the English as simple as possible. But since you’re a fucking thick head moron, let me translate to you in two words.


ANAK HARAM!


There..now go burn yourself to death.


To others, ignore this okie. Its just my frustration of not being able to speak out the words directly to the person, but what more fun when the others are reading it too yeah. Call me a bitch, who cares!

this song has been stuck in my head for a long time. the first time i heard it, it took my breath away! from the movie naqaab..ek dhin




Ek din ..Ek din teri raahon
Baahoon mein panaahon mein
Aungaa kho jaunga
Ek din tera ho jaunga

Yeh dil to na keh saka yeh baatein
dil to na keh saka

Tu jaane na tu
Chaahat meri kitni betaab hai

Ho jo barso meri palkon mein tha
Tu wohi khwaab hai
Har ghadi har ghadi teri yaadoon mein
vaadon mein iradon mein
Aungaa kho jaunga
Ek din tera ho jaunga
Yeh dil to na keh yeh baatein
Dil to na keh saka

Yeh Jhukti nazar
Jaane jigar hosh le jati hai
Mein kaise kahon
Ek ajnabi dard dejati hai
Chupke se Chupke se teri neeedon mein

Khwaabon mein khayalon mein
Chaaunga Khojunga
Ek din tera ho jaunga
Ek din ..Ek din teri raahon
Baahoon mein panaahon mein
Aungaa khojaunga
Ek din tera ho jaunga
Yeh dil to na keh yeh baatein
dil to na keh saka


and yes there's another song but i cant find the lyrics.. its from Omar Inayat from the album BE THE ONE. the song tenu lay...is sooooooo nice..especially the part where he says..nei jeena, bin yaara.. his voice. google it, download it and enjoy! worth the buy!

i posted this in 2004 or 2005 but here it goes again

I've learned -that you cannot make someone love you.All you can do is be someone who can be loved.The rest is up to them.

I've learned -that no matter how much I care,some people just don't care back.

I've learned -that it takes years to build up trust,and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned -that it's not what you have in your lifebut who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned -that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.After that, you'd better know something

I've learned -that you shouldn't compareyourself to the best others can dobut to the best you can do.

I've learned -that it's not what happens to peoplethat's important. It's what they do about it.

I've learned -that you can do something in an instantthat will give you heartache for life.

I've learned -that no matter how thin you slice it,there are always two sides.

I've learned -that it's taking me a long timeto become the person I want to be.

I've learned -that it's a lot easierto react than it is to think.

I've learned -that you should always leaveloved ones with loving words.It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned -that you can keep goinglong after you think you can't.

I've learned -that we are responsible for what we do,no matter how we feel.

I've learned -that either you control your attitudeor it controls you.

I've learned -that regardless of how hot and steamya relationship is at first,the passion fades and there had better besomething else to take its place.

I've learned -that heroes are the peoplewho do what has to be donewhen it needs to be done,regardless of the consequences.

I've learned -that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned-that it's not who is saying itbut what is said that's important

I've learned -that there are people who love you dearly,but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned -that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned -that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned -that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned -that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,but that doesn't give methe right to be cruel.

I've learned -that true friendship continues to grow,even over the longest distance.Same goes for true love.

I've learned -that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned -that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from the mand less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned _that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I've learned -that your family won't always be there for you.It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again.Families aren't biological.

I've learned -that no matter how good a friend is,they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned -that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.you have to forgive yourself

I've learned -that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned -that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,but we are responsible for who we become

I've learned -that sometimes when my friends fight,I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.

I've learned -that just because two people argue,it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue,it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned -that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.

I've learned -that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned -that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.It could change your life forever

I've learned -that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned -that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned -that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.

I've learned -that no matter the consequences,those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.

I've learned -that no matter how many friends you have,if you are their pillar you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.

I've learned -that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned -that the truth and only all truth is reality.

I've learned -that when you say only a part of it but not all you can't call it the truth.

I've learned -that even when you think you have no more to give,when a friend cries out to you,you will find the strength to help.

I've learned -that its better to admit if you don't know it rather than keeping quiet,as the price you will pay is not comparable.

I've learned-that not knowing isn't a weakness but pretending to know when you don't is.

I've learned-that you must always know how to keep your priority right.

I've learned-that its better for you to get the blame and to get hurt, rather than letting your kids to know the truth.Your kids future and well being must always be your first priority.

I've learned-that always first you must respect yourself than expect for others to respect you.Same goes for trust and believe.

I've learned-that there are times in your life that if you don't grab it, you never can.

I've learned-that you must always be ready to act in an instant as otherwise you will not ever have a chance to do so, or even if you have, its to late,and its none but only you to blame.

I've learned-that if you only could see and feel the pain one lady goes trough to give birth,than you love, respect and admire all woman.

I've learned -that writing, as well as talking,can ease emotional pains.

I've learned -that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.

I've learned -that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.'

I've learned -that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned -that although the word 'love'can have many different meanings,it loses value when overly used.

I've learned -that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe

I've learned-that lemonade tastes best on a hot, summer day

I've learned-that it truly is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all

AND I'VE LEARNED THAT I LEARNED A LOT TODAY!

I looked at you with such marvel, dreaming of your touch, longing to hear you talk
I doubt if you would ever talk to me,
But I know you do listen to me.
You watched me grow up to be who I am today
You watched me weep those lonely tears.
Never once you betrayed me
Never once you fooled me

You stood there tall, doing your duties
But thru my drape I see you peep
When the breeze blew on my face today
I knew you sent your kisses and your hugs
I felt like embracing you today
I felt like having you in my arms tonight
For no one deserves my sincere love
No one but you my shining star

Now your wondering why I dint come
Let me tell you the story another day
But I stood at my window staring at you
But you were enthralled by someone else
I know the lake is really lovely
I know others love you just as much
But please look at me fully tonight
Cause im telling you a story no one has known

So good nite my bestfriend, my love so true
I wished I was a star right next to you
Although you’re that far, yet close to me
My love for you is unconditional and free


Ahh, can’t believe I got thiiiis vulnerable when I saw the moon. I love the moon. And I think the moon loves me too.
No one could appreciate the moon better than me..i call him Chandamama. Or I call him jaan. And sometimes I call him baby. Depends on my mood.

You know its rather hurting that he comes visiting only maybe for a week in a month. But his presence there is much more than I could ask for.

The sky is lovely, sprinkled with stars. But without my moon, (yes, he’s mine) it’s never complete. When he’s there, all I would say is …PERFECT!...


Nota bena : the above is not a poem or anywhere near mine. I cant find words to describe how much I feel for the moon. So it’s just arbitrary writing. Back to staring at the moon.

Ever had a reoccurring dream? Something you dreamt of over and over again. Many times and yet you can’t figure out why.

I’ve had this dream since twenty four. I was always running in the dream. It’s a lovely place, like suburbs of Italy or France. But it looked like France to me. Somewhere I have been. A very familiar place. And I was sitting and looking at my reflection by a lovely stream. I had flowers in my hands. I see a temple, but not a hindu temple, on a hill. I hear bells. And suddenly, I hear noises. Loud noises. People screaming.

And start running. I don’t know why im running, but I ran. Kept running. And im caught. By people I don’t know. And they slashed my thigh. And I scream in pain. But I kept running. Then they slashed my back. I lose my top and I kept running. I heard people screaming Timbuktu. I kept looking around to see who was screaming and no one was around. But I kept hearing it over and over again.

Then suddenly a hand appears, I hear the voice. A male. He said “ hold me” and I grab his hand and kept running. I cant see his face but I kept screaming at him saying Yamataka (not yamakata). I kept saying that over and over again, screaming. And I always wake up at this point.

I had this dream yesterday for the 8th time. I really cant figure out what it means. But its scary. i always wake up sweating, as if I have really had this huge run. I know its weird. But if anyone really knows how to interpret this dream, please let me know.

Have a good day, till then

There’s a few things that most people need to know about me. Unlike other girls who get flattered by gifts, roses and chocolates, I get flattered by manners. Being clean on the dining table, no foul words, and being himself would be rather flattering.

I don’t put the toilet seat down. Don’t even ask why I actually lift it up. I actually realized this in Malaysia when my mom kept complaining that I do not switch off the lights and do not put the toilet lid down. I started laughing. Maybe because we have a common toilet here. Maybe it just became a habit. Funny thought

And I do accept gifts from very limited people. I remember one Pakistani guy who was crazy over me (not showing off). He was really good looking; green eyes (so do the math) and he called me over for Eid celebration. Everyone knows I don’t go anywhere alone until unless im really down or frustrated so I dragged Mohan along. When we went there, I saw this huge bouquet of roses on the table. I pretended, ate, talked and was about to leave. Then he took the bouquet and gave it to me. Without thinking I said no its ok. He was offended of course. The bouquet must have costed him around 2000 rubles, it was so big I don’t think I would be able to see my face while carrying it, you get what I mean. Huge. But I said no. Because, if I would have taken it from him, I’ll be sending a different message to him. So I dint want that. Killed our friendship after that. cute


I do take gifts from people I really care about. But I never ask. Cause I know if I want it, all I have to do is ask my parents and I’ll have it. But, if someone gives it to me, and I take it with a huge smile, it means I like you, or I adore you, or I respect you, or I love you

I mentioned earlier that I appreciate everything in life. the small things, the huge things. People used to say that im a garbage bin, collecting things which were mere rubbish to people. Like maybe I would have flicked someone’s photo or photos while being around them, or took the movie tickets we saw together, or a parking ticket, or a theme park ticket, an empty can of beer, hair from the comb, sweet wrappers, a pen used by this particular person. You know, rubbish from the car, things that dint really matter. Handkerchief. A straw. A broken nail. Weird things

I collect them because they harbor memories. Everything I have around me, has a story. Like I have a whole vase of dried flowers and I know till today which one was given by whom. And it’s been there for the past 5 years.

I love daisies suddenly. I still put roses my number one. But daisies are such happy flowers, like gerberas. The thicker ones last longer, maybe a week, the local ones, the one that grows roadside here, and lasts for a day.

I went flower picking today. I love flowers. Certain flowers. Like I said roses, or daisies or gerberas. But right now in my vase, stands 3 huge Russian chrysanthemums’ dried and well, dead.

I read a phrase today.


Woman would make a good wife if she were a maid in day time and a whore at night.
– Shanaz Haque

I would love to correct that line. A woman would make a good wife is she were a maid in day time and better than a whore at night?

Sad but true. Two ways to hold a man forever would be thru his stomach and thru his bedtime stories. You get what I mean.

Love on the other hand is a just a license to have sex. Maybe. Gone are the days of Romeo and Juliet. Waiting for each other so sincerely, without glancing at another beautiful god’s creation. But heck, we don’t even know if Romeo was a virgin before he met Juliet. Ah, more questions

Read Catch 22 by Joseph Heller. Worth reading. This paragraph is cute but you need to read it to understand the story

‘Why did you want apple cheeks?’ ‘I didn’t want apple cheeks,’ Orr said. ‘I wanted big cheeks. I didn’t care about the color so much, but I wanted them big. I worked at it just like one of those crazy guys you read about who go around squeezing rubber balls all day long just to strengthen their hands. In fact, I was one of those crazy guys. I used to walk around all day with rubber balls in my hands, too.’ ‘Why?’ ‘Why what?’ ‘Why did you walk around all day with rubber balls in your hands?’ ‘Because rubber balls—’ said Orr. ‘—are better than crab apples?’ Orr sniggered as he shook his head. ‘I did it to protect my good reputation in case anyone ever caught me walking around with crab apples in my cheeks. With rubber balls in my hands I could deny there were crab apples in my cheeks. Every time someone asked me why I was walking around with crab apples in my cheeks, I’d just open my hands and show them it was rubber balls I was walking around with, not crab apples, and that they were in my hands, not my cheeks. It was a good story. But I never knew if it got across or not, since it’s pretty tough to make people understand you when you’re talking to them with two crab apples in your cheeks.’ Yossarian found it pretty tough to understand him then, and he wondered once again if Orr wasn’t talking to him with the tip of his tongue in one of his apple cheeks.

Another recommended book is the prophet by Khalil Gibran. When asked what’s love, this is what was mentioned

When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast. All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

The book is downloadable in MIRC. Get into any random servers and log on to #bookz. I got a copy from there.

Im still reading the prince by nicolo Machiavelli. I’ll comment after reading it.

Well then, im going to close today’s post with a random quote.


We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.
–W. Somerset Maugham
Till then, ponder upon the words above while I try to, well, find my identity or maybe have my HARD boiled egg

cant help posting this either. my all time favourite..one of it is from staind. all the time when im down this song plays in my head. perfect. so far away

So Far Away Lyrics » Staind
this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings
i've sharedand these are my dreamsthat
i'd never lived before

somebody shake me'cause ii must be sleeping[chorus

now that we're here,it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes,one life contained
they all finally start to go away

now that we're here its so far awayand i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today

these are my wordsthat i've never said before
i think i'm doing okayand this is the smile
that i've never shown before
somebody shake me 'cause ii must be sleeping

[chorus]i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me

this is one superb song from the movie deepavali..in case u watch tamil movies... read the words


Pogadhe pogadhe nee irrunthaal naan irrupen
pogadhe pogadhe nee pirinthaal naan irrapen
Unnoda vaalntha kaalangal yaavum kanavai ennai mooduthadi
yaar endru neeyum enna paarkum pothu uyrai uyire poguthadi
Kalaraiyil kuda jannal ondru vaithu undhan mugham paarpenadi

Pogadhe pogadhe nee irrunthaal naan irrupen pogadhe pogadhe nee pirinthaal naan irrapen Kalainthalum megham athu meendhum medhakum
Adhu pola thaaney undhan kadhal ennakum
Nadai padhai vilaka kadhal viluntha uddan nadaipathuku Nerupalum mudiyath amma nineivugalai allipathuku
Unnakaga kathirrupen
oh Uyirodu paarthirrupen
oh Pogadhe pogadhe nee irrunthaal naan irrupen
pogadhe pogadhe nee pirinthaal naan irrapen

Alagana neram adhai neethaan kudduthai
Aliyatha sogam athaiyum nee thaan kudduthai
Kan thoogum neram paarthu kadavul vanthu ponathu pol
Yen vaalvil vanthei aanai yemathru thaangavillaiye
Pennai nee illamal Bhoologam irrutiruthei

Pogadhe pogadhe nee irrunthaal naan irrupen
pogadhe pogadhe nee pirinthaal naan irrapen

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed Him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied,"Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life." "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested."Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said.

Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later,

I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins.

Wanna see my scars?"I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live. "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness? " I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man." I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

i have been missing out alot in malaysia. when i checked the news today i found this story. sick fucking assholes. they shud really find the murderer and send him to me. and i'll slice him layer by layer..shes only 8 for gods sake!

http://www.thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2007/9/22/nation/18967906&sec=nation&focus=1

This is really good.
I’ll love my mother til the day I die.

Send it to the kids..... My mom only had one eye. I hated her... she was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students & teachers to support the family. There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so embarrassed. How could she do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out.

The next day at school one of my classmates said, "EEEE, your mom only has one eye!" I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. I confronted her that day and said, " If you're only goanna make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?" My mom did not respond... I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings.

I walked out of that house, and have nothing to do with her. So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study. Then, I got married. I bought a house of my own. I had kids of my own. I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts, Then one day, my mother came to visit me. She hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet her grandchildren. When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I screamed at her, "How dare you come to my house and scare my children!" GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!" And to this, my mother quietly answered, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address," and she disappeared out of sight.

One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip. After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity.

My neighbors said that she died. I did not shed a single tear. They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.

"My dearest son, I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to your house and scared your children. I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you. I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up. You see........when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So I gave you mine. I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye. With all my love to you, Your mother. Always tell someone that you love them because you never know what day will be their last, or your own. Always seek to resolve your problems or disagreements with loved ones because if either of you should pass on before, the one who is left alive will have the rest of their life to ponder those unresolved feelings but will never find closure. And closure usually brings peace...




I only wished the mother was able to let the child know the sacrifice of her own eye. That would certainly have helped the child's appreciation and perspective for the special act of love on the mother's part!. How dumb to have remained silent, and have the son/daughter uncover the truth only after her passing, and end up living in regret and guilt for the rest of his/her life!

Cycle of life
Mahalekshmi Selvanathan
23.3.2004

A poem devoted to all children dying of Aids ( i think i wrote this during lectures on immuno) hahaha

A merry face he once owned,
A deep consequential eye he always shown,
Little did he know he’s destiny is gone,
Counting his days to die alone.

His toddler’s legs, his pliable baby arms,
His affectionate face will bring no harm,
To take him and feel him in my palm,
My tears flow, nothings to be done

He doesn’t merit dying this way,
No one will remember the day he sways
Never will he see the happy days,
Leaving me thunderstruck, nothing to say

I really don’t comprehend, the cycle of life,
It wasn’t his blunder,but he pays the fine,
He smiles not knowing, he’s dying inside,
I’ll weep this soreness for the rest of my life

An innocent soul, God’s to grab,
Now he’ll snooze, his eternal nap,
Don’t die on me, not on my lap,
I prefer not to see, while your soul takes rest.

This is perhaps my last entry for the month. I have pending 10 classes for peadriatrics thanks to my knee and I had to come home early last vacation. And yup, I have failed 9 classes out of that for god knows what reason. Wait, I know the reason. But moving on, yes, so I wont be around either on yahoo or friendster or msn. Anything important message me, and again I repeat if its really important message me. I really need to pass my classes to sit for my exam on 29th and failure to do so would cost me a lot, like me having to repeat my semester. So yes, don’t bug me until unless its really important and to certain someone whos reading this blog, its not that im angry, I know what I am doing and im sticking to it. Once done it’s a mistake, repeating it over and over again means you’re a mistake. Till then adious

this is picked from ali bhais testimonial to premila. really funny! ali bhai if ur reading this , i just want you to know that i screamed laughing at 2.35 am! its hilarious man! hilarious!

WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A North Indian GIRL as WIFE

1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends thanher age.

2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and aftermarriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.

3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankruptbecause of the n umber of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.

4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer but ter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eatingall those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chroniccholestrol or chronic gas disorder.

5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.

6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Onlylater do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that sheapplies to cover her

7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.

8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.

9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole ofsouth india until she met you.

10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to "! walk out"

11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people youhave in your home town.

12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and"How are you"

13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.


WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as WIFE

1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras/ Anna University .

2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."

3. She shudders if you use four letter words.

4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil WellCompany will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extractcoconutoil from her hair.)

5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.

6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name andsurname combined (unless you are from Andhra)

8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it isfor the Dog or for herself.

9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wearssilk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.


still laughing so loud! good nite hahahaha cant stop phew...breathe!

My eyes hurts so badly from the night before. Lotsa dirt. You know dust, they tend to get into the eyes. Bad bad dust.

I kept staring at this particular black string on my wrist. Its just a string, tied in one certain temple. But that string, said millions. Said so many things, a reminder of my life. just a string, but it held so many memories just for that day.

Tomorrow is Vinayagar Chathurthi. I remember a very funny story about Lord Ganesha. Something about the moon. Its said to be one day Ganesha was eating non-stop all this sweets offered to him and he was riding his poor mouse on the way back, and he stumbled on a stone. He fell, his stomach burst open. And he collected all the food, tucked it back into his tummy and caught a snake and tied it around his tummy to hold them tight. And the moon, that was watching everything, burst out laughing. Lol. And yeah, so ganesha cursed the moon, that every Vinagagar Chathurti, you shoudnt look at the moon. Hahaha lame I know, but I think I’ll be a good mummy. I got lotsa story to tell my kids, from the magic spoon, to this and to how I met your daddy lol

Today I decided to tell the truth. but the truth was used against me. Maybe that’s why I lie about certain something. But I have made a very strong shield around me. And sometimes, when I get out of the shield, I get really vulnerable. And today was one of the days. I marked tomolo as a new beginning and I really had to tell the truth. and I called and he refused to pick up. Clubbing so as it seems. And that seemed more important. Well, I did pray for a sign. Maybe this is the sign.

My altar is all set up. Today is the beginning. I am a vegetarian. I am going ahead with my life the way it is. I have so much love to offer. My childrens will have it. And I will tell my son why he carries his name. I will tell him all about my life. So that he knows. He needs to know. My husband will know everything before he breathes his last breath. Everything about me.


I have seen things that no one has in their life. Things I have been trying to put behind me. But it still keeps coming back. Haunting me. Things I cant explain. But I have pulled thru this far, so I know I’ll survive a little longer. I always told my friends I wanna live just till forty. And they ask why. Its simple, by 40, I must have shown my husband so much love to last him another 7 generation and by 40 my childrens knows their mother. And by 40 I would have given everyone the best, my parents the gift of being a doctor, my husband the gift of being his husband and my childrens the gift of being their mother. My sisters, for just being there for them, my friends for being their friends for life and my dog for loving her unconditionally. So I have done my part, I have seen enough happiness by then. And 40 is a perfect time to die. Too long is no good. Somehow I do wish this comes true. You know, you never know kids these days. I don’t need to end up in an old folks home. You get me? But off the record I know I am gonna live wayyyy to long!

Was talking to a group of friends today. And I kept talking. Non-stop. And one friend stopped me and asked me if I had something on my head. I was like err nope. And he said, you talk a lot when your messed. Its so easy for my friends to catch it, to understand me. Maybe cause they are around me all the time. We were all talking about out lives in Malaysia. Everybody seemed to have had real good fun. Holidaying. Everyone seemed fresh to endure another long year here. But me, all I said was my holiday? I fell in love..and everyone gave me that wtf look, some surprised and I continued I said..i fell in love with Langkawi. Everyone burst out laughing. Only two people understood me there, two people who knows everything.

I am known as someone who is always bouncing and smilling and when I laugh everyone laughs together, either laughing at me or laughing with me. Either way, they laugh. And im doing everyone wrong by sitting very quiet these days. Kaka and prasant are no more in my hostel, so I am left with just utra. I can go out and make good friends cause I know I am worth it and I make a wonderful friend. But I am too hurt to do so. And friends, somehow are no more important in my life. I don’t have the energy to help anyone rite now. But I keep seeing who my true friends are. I don’t know if they sympathize with me or what. But I get calls asking me if I had my dinner, if I needed notes. I don’t know. maybe they are just being themselves, people whom I have selected to be my friends. I was walking in the university yesterday with utra and I had to stop every 2 second to greet people. Hug them. Say hi. And utra told me that I had the whole country as my friend. I was like maybe, but im selecting a few. Everyone was curious on how im doing. And my dean, when I saw her asked me if I could dance anymore. I was like wtf. I just came back and you’re thinking about dancing.

Well I do dance. Once I was sitting with Mohan in the unit and we had a girls day, so he was the only thorn there, we made him the dj and yeah we swigged the night away. And then mohan spinned this Sukhbir song which was really fast and he said no one could dance to that tune, cause its really fast. And I said, nope, I can do it. And I danced. And everyone sat there wondering how I did that. don’t worry, I was amazed myself. Haha. But I have it in me. Im born with it. My grandma was a great dancer. Paka Punjabi I must say. Sometimes when I dance at home, mom used to tell me how I dance so much like grandma. Well, I dance. And I am going to complete my Salsa class before I graduate. That’s for sure.

My friends can be murderers, can be anything, but I have somehow changed them for the better. I have that in me. And people around me knows that too. So when im broken, they get so broken, and I really don’t like that. I need to be happy, at least for them. Soon will be, maybe all I need is a game of bowling, to whoop some asses. Maybe all I need is an ice cream or my bubu talking to me. I’ll be fine.

I’ll answer one question that people kept asking me today. The guy of my dreams, is dead. I don’t have an equation of THE ONE. I don’t have expectations. I just want the person I give my life to, to understand me without me explaining. Not to be possessive. Not to be over protective. Understand that I am free. And if I promised to pledge my self to you and only you on my wedding day, understand that I meant to keep it. And I wont cheat. So I should be free. Understand the fact that my friends are mostly guys, and I have reasons for it. Understand that we girls when we get together, we bitch. We bitch about everything from your socks to your dick. Everything. That’s girls. Understand that simple things in my life doesn’t revolve money but peace of my mind. Understand that I am an extremely sensitive soul, im a virgo for gods sake, and words will ruin me in a second. So hit me, but not utter acidic words. Understand that when im angry, just listen not fight back, I cool down really fast. And understand that I am not cute, in any way, I am not cute, and don’t intend to be. I just want him to be there when I get home, or I wanna wait for him to get back home and just sit and lay there and talk and talk and talk till we fall asleep on each other. Understand that I would love his family like my own and I except him to love and respect mine too. I want a guy who would understand family virtues, understand religion, not question harshly about them. I am very dominant, I want things my way all the time, but sometimes I do bend my head, I do listen, and for that one person I would give my life to, I would even take the oath of shutting up forever if he hated my voice. But all I want is simple things like understanding me. I hate alcoholics, I hate clubbers (sorry peeps) but I would even push that part off if he understood me. And once I swear to love him forever, I would never want to every hear about his girlfriends, cause they are over, gone and move on. and if he loved me, he should stop ranting about them,not talking about them more than talking about me, cause we girls tend to think that you’re comparing. Cant help it, we’re girls. We think like that. so see, I have expectations too huh., and way too many. See, leave this topic. I know I can go on and on. and I have found a guy who fitted this category. Moving on..

Im too frustrated to write anymore. Im gonna go lets see, wake utra at 2.19 am and force her to listen to me or maybe I should watch a movie, but picking up the book would be the hardest thing to do. Till then

somehow this sucks...the quality is really bad!!!!!!!!! gonna get somethings done..

this pic was taken during some bhangra nites in a club named sharara! so yeah! crazy nite!

geez, i just realized that i practically blogged only once here during the year of 2007...lol bad bad me..no wonder neel was being fussy hahahaha...
well firstly i lost my password and had to go thru a lot to get it back..and yes i rather blog here cause friendster sucks..hehehe well..yeah..im back..came home for holidays and actually leaving to russia in five days time..here's some very interesting photos i took during the hols..till then

Sitting here right at my faithful table as I gaze at the sun rising is really disheartening. I have been up since 3 am worrying about the results of my therapy paper which is out in exactly 3 hours. Call me a paranoid, but the anticipation of waiting for an exam result is what I really hate the most. How convinced you may be when you write an exam the anguish of waiting is killing
Someone told me yesterday that because of me, he wouldn’t fool around anymore. He said that I have thought him certain things that made him a diverse person in a whole. How can someone so baffled as such say that? It made me furious. And worst he said, I will definitely not be the one he’ll settle for life. What the fking hell is wrong with me? Well, I know I drove guilt right into his brain stem, but hell, that’s what every girl does? I’m such a wonderful friend, I must say. Sigh. And yes, he’ll remain confused. Somehow I think he should marry a supermodel or at least a white or wait, maybe someone as confused as he is.
Hanging around confused people is bad energy. You somehow tend to be equally perplexed. That’s when mom and dad come into the picture. To clear your mystification and to settle your problems. Somehow, my parents have been settling all my problems and worst I don’t even worry about them, I just leave the job to them. I do plan somehow to let my husband fret about my problems later on in life, and let my parents take a break. Such a good daughter I am.
Today, I cleaned my dried roses. I never throw flowers away. They are too precious, so I dry them carefully and then I hang them over the heater for the dampness to dry up and I arrange them around my room. But the dust that settles over them has been causing asthma attacks very frequently. And yet I don’t have the heart to even move them or throw them. Sometime its sucks to be rose maniac, I know
The past few weeks were agony. I was battling with myself if I was straight or not. I came to a finale that yes, im super straight, and am proud of it. As much as I want to be a lesbian, I can’t imagine having another pair of boobs on me. So yeah, I’ll just stick to some pigeon shaped hairy torso on me. Coming to think of it, too much hair is bad. Visualize you on that hairy chest and you find lice on it. Eww gross
My imagination is vivid. Sometimes it drives me nuts. I imagined how nice it would be to do an appendectomy and suturing it up with my initials. Don’t you think it would be cool? I’m kind of bored with the idea of straight stitching all the while, I think I’ll revolt. I’m going to be the first doctor to suture my initials. Yes
Mike told me yesterday about his dream house. He wanted white drapes everywhere, a sea side residence, a pool table and a nice cozy hall. When asked about his bedroom, he said it should be facing the sea, big gigantic window, sliding doors and the bed should be facing the sea. I dint think it was romantic. I told him, if tsunami were to hit, you would be laying on your bed and watching the waves come after you. He snapped into reality and gave me that look that said so clearly “damn you”.
I have been thinking about one thing for the past week. The toilets in
Russiadon’t have cover, as in seat covers. Maybe the reason is simple; every smart Russian here, climbs over the bowl to do their business, and every smart Malaysians laid their asses on that very same bowl. Think of the infections. Think of what they may have stepped on before they went to the toilet. Russians are disgusting and Malaysians are turning into them. Public toilets are much better off than the ones in my university. Whoever said that the ladies smelled worst than the gent’s toilets are so wrong. Try walking past the male toilet in KSMU. Enough said
I just came up with a poem two hours back so here it goes
Sitting here under the moon light, as I watch your curves
Wishing I could run my fingers thru your soft gentle sides,
Licking you slowly, bit by bit,
To relish every inch of you, would be a dream come true.
To hear you say, lick me, bite me, have a taste of me,
Would drive me insanely crazy and my knees go weak,
But I’ll try to control my lust for you
To take it gentle, as I plant my teeth into you
Your cream so sweet I crave for more,
The more I taste you the more I want you,
Who would have known, you could be this good,
Oh my coffee bean, chocolate cheese cake…
And yes, im so craving to have one bite of you now..ahh you perverts!
I think I’ll stop here for the day. I plan to clean my room, which was my preliminary plan since 3 am and now its 9 am. Ahh, 6 hours down the drain and I feel super good about it. Toodles

Well its four am, I haven’t started studying for my pediatrics test tomorrow and all im thinking about is to get married with adnan samy at the jiffy. Let me elucidate why. For starters he can sing, and when I say he can sing, I mean he can really sing. And hes super round and endearing, makes him cuddlier and I would not be worrying about which bolster would make me more contented. I have always wanted to marry someone receding and round but I guess I’ll settle with someone lean and a little hairy. As long as his beard doesn’t poke me when I kiss him and his hair doesn’t have an Amazon then im fine. Just visualize me picking lice of his chest! Go figure
Life has never been better. Chatting with him makes my heart skip a beat each time he calls me sayang. Early morning chats are beautiful. Starts the day well off and makes me smile thru out the day. What makes it lovelier is that the feeling is mutual. Its nice to hear him smile thru his voice. Geez im so crazy over him. Don’t catch me, just let me drown.
A poem made me smile today. It was deep. Was very sweet. And was true enough
BeautifulI’d give anything to see the sun set on the horizon…I’d do anything to gaze at a full moon in the night sky…Even a rainbow would make me smile…And I’d love to swim in crystal clear water…Of an untouched sea…
Sometimes I’ll see a shooting star….And try to gaze from afar…All the diamonds in the night skies…The mist on the mountains is simply breathtaking…As is walking in rainforest during rainy summer afternoons…..
To see cascading waterfalls I’d do anything for…As to stand on the highest peak in the world…And look at the sights below…I’d love to soar on wings above the clouds…Across the bluest skies…
I’d do anything to seeAll the beautiful things in the world….Like a red rose blooming in the
Sahara…Like a river twisting through a dusty land….All the beautiful things in the world….But I also know I am looking atThe world’s most beautiful creation…Every time your lips engrave a warm smile…And every time I look into your lovely eyes…..
i’ll end this here and get back to my attempt of studying. Its Saturday and it means its my time to actually sleep 18 hours a day, and yes, today is the voyage.