My eyes hurts so badly from the night before. Lotsa dirt. You know dust, they tend to get into the eyes. Bad bad dust.

I kept staring at this particular black string on my wrist. Its just a string, tied in one certain temple. But that string, said millions. Said so many things, a reminder of my life. just a string, but it held so many memories just for that day.

Tomorrow is Vinayagar Chathurthi. I remember a very funny story about Lord Ganesha. Something about the moon. Its said to be one day Ganesha was eating non-stop all this sweets offered to him and he was riding his poor mouse on the way back, and he stumbled on a stone. He fell, his stomach burst open. And he collected all the food, tucked it back into his tummy and caught a snake and tied it around his tummy to hold them tight. And the moon, that was watching everything, burst out laughing. Lol. And yeah, so ganesha cursed the moon, that every Vinagagar Chathurti, you shoudnt look at the moon. Hahaha lame I know, but I think I’ll be a good mummy. I got lotsa story to tell my kids, from the magic spoon, to this and to how I met your daddy lol

Today I decided to tell the truth. but the truth was used against me. Maybe that’s why I lie about certain something. But I have made a very strong shield around me. And sometimes, when I get out of the shield, I get really vulnerable. And today was one of the days. I marked tomolo as a new beginning and I really had to tell the truth. and I called and he refused to pick up. Clubbing so as it seems. And that seemed more important. Well, I did pray for a sign. Maybe this is the sign.

My altar is all set up. Today is the beginning. I am a vegetarian. I am going ahead with my life the way it is. I have so much love to offer. My childrens will have it. And I will tell my son why he carries his name. I will tell him all about my life. So that he knows. He needs to know. My husband will know everything before he breathes his last breath. Everything about me.


I have seen things that no one has in their life. Things I have been trying to put behind me. But it still keeps coming back. Haunting me. Things I cant explain. But I have pulled thru this far, so I know I’ll survive a little longer. I always told my friends I wanna live just till forty. And they ask why. Its simple, by 40, I must have shown my husband so much love to last him another 7 generation and by 40 my childrens knows their mother. And by 40 I would have given everyone the best, my parents the gift of being a doctor, my husband the gift of being his husband and my childrens the gift of being their mother. My sisters, for just being there for them, my friends for being their friends for life and my dog for loving her unconditionally. So I have done my part, I have seen enough happiness by then. And 40 is a perfect time to die. Too long is no good. Somehow I do wish this comes true. You know, you never know kids these days. I don’t need to end up in an old folks home. You get me? But off the record I know I am gonna live wayyyy to long!

Was talking to a group of friends today. And I kept talking. Non-stop. And one friend stopped me and asked me if I had something on my head. I was like err nope. And he said, you talk a lot when your messed. Its so easy for my friends to catch it, to understand me. Maybe cause they are around me all the time. We were all talking about out lives in Malaysia. Everybody seemed to have had real good fun. Holidaying. Everyone seemed fresh to endure another long year here. But me, all I said was my holiday? I fell in love..and everyone gave me that wtf look, some surprised and I continued I said..i fell in love with Langkawi. Everyone burst out laughing. Only two people understood me there, two people who knows everything.

I am known as someone who is always bouncing and smilling and when I laugh everyone laughs together, either laughing at me or laughing with me. Either way, they laugh. And im doing everyone wrong by sitting very quiet these days. Kaka and prasant are no more in my hostel, so I am left with just utra. I can go out and make good friends cause I know I am worth it and I make a wonderful friend. But I am too hurt to do so. And friends, somehow are no more important in my life. I don’t have the energy to help anyone rite now. But I keep seeing who my true friends are. I don’t know if they sympathize with me or what. But I get calls asking me if I had my dinner, if I needed notes. I don’t know. maybe they are just being themselves, people whom I have selected to be my friends. I was walking in the university yesterday with utra and I had to stop every 2 second to greet people. Hug them. Say hi. And utra told me that I had the whole country as my friend. I was like maybe, but im selecting a few. Everyone was curious on how im doing. And my dean, when I saw her asked me if I could dance anymore. I was like wtf. I just came back and you’re thinking about dancing.

Well I do dance. Once I was sitting with Mohan in the unit and we had a girls day, so he was the only thorn there, we made him the dj and yeah we swigged the night away. And then mohan spinned this Sukhbir song which was really fast and he said no one could dance to that tune, cause its really fast. And I said, nope, I can do it. And I danced. And everyone sat there wondering how I did that. don’t worry, I was amazed myself. Haha. But I have it in me. Im born with it. My grandma was a great dancer. Paka Punjabi I must say. Sometimes when I dance at home, mom used to tell me how I dance so much like grandma. Well, I dance. And I am going to complete my Salsa class before I graduate. That’s for sure.

My friends can be murderers, can be anything, but I have somehow changed them for the better. I have that in me. And people around me knows that too. So when im broken, they get so broken, and I really don’t like that. I need to be happy, at least for them. Soon will be, maybe all I need is a game of bowling, to whoop some asses. Maybe all I need is an ice cream or my bubu talking to me. I’ll be fine.

I’ll answer one question that people kept asking me today. The guy of my dreams, is dead. I don’t have an equation of THE ONE. I don’t have expectations. I just want the person I give my life to, to understand me without me explaining. Not to be possessive. Not to be over protective. Understand that I am free. And if I promised to pledge my self to you and only you on my wedding day, understand that I meant to keep it. And I wont cheat. So I should be free. Understand the fact that my friends are mostly guys, and I have reasons for it. Understand that we girls when we get together, we bitch. We bitch about everything from your socks to your dick. Everything. That’s girls. Understand that simple things in my life doesn’t revolve money but peace of my mind. Understand that I am an extremely sensitive soul, im a virgo for gods sake, and words will ruin me in a second. So hit me, but not utter acidic words. Understand that when im angry, just listen not fight back, I cool down really fast. And understand that I am not cute, in any way, I am not cute, and don’t intend to be. I just want him to be there when I get home, or I wanna wait for him to get back home and just sit and lay there and talk and talk and talk till we fall asleep on each other. Understand that I would love his family like my own and I except him to love and respect mine too. I want a guy who would understand family virtues, understand religion, not question harshly about them. I am very dominant, I want things my way all the time, but sometimes I do bend my head, I do listen, and for that one person I would give my life to, I would even take the oath of shutting up forever if he hated my voice. But all I want is simple things like understanding me. I hate alcoholics, I hate clubbers (sorry peeps) but I would even push that part off if he understood me. And once I swear to love him forever, I would never want to every hear about his girlfriends, cause they are over, gone and move on. and if he loved me, he should stop ranting about them,not talking about them more than talking about me, cause we girls tend to think that you’re comparing. Cant help it, we’re girls. We think like that. so see, I have expectations too huh., and way too many. See, leave this topic. I know I can go on and on. and I have found a guy who fitted this category. Moving on..

Im too frustrated to write anymore. Im gonna go lets see, wake utra at 2.19 am and force her to listen to me or maybe I should watch a movie, but picking up the book would be the hardest thing to do. Till then