being yourself.

You see, most people who have failed in an undertaking or a task given, don’t like what they see when they look in the mirror. Especially the younger generation, I must say. What people forget is that as long as you live, you’ll be making mistakes now and then rite, and when you do its just natural for you not to like your face in the mirror, not to like your little self. Been there la

What I do when I get to this point is I always rise above my little self. I rise above mistakes and misfortunes of yesterday. And I try to reach my big self. Ok. Im big, but I do feel small at times. Im just trying to reach my bigger self. You get me

See, people are mistake makers but we forget that they are also mistake breakers. To me my big self would be the ability to accept myself when I make mistakes. I look at myself in the mirror with a cute kind eye and realize that im bigger than any error or blunder, any misfortunes, any heartache. I accept my weakness and stand on my feet during such crisis. I try to make my yesterday to be a lesson of today

If you don’t like who u are, you’ll ruin yourself. Stop living with this hang up, because only you alone can choose to either dislike or like what you are.

I remember a poem from victor Hugo called WINGS. One of my favorites

Be like a bird that
Pausing in its flight a while
On boughs too light
Feels them give way
Yet sings!
Knowing she hath wings…

Do I have wings! I DO! My wings are my faith and believing in my self.. and im soaring high to my destination…what kind of bird I am? I don’t know…can I reach my destination? Of course I can…,

Watch me…just watch me fly…spreading my wings…soaring high…into the sky!

Holy crap…am I 26 of 62 years old! hahahahha

i was actually paying attention in class...hmmmmmm
priya and prashant in iskra..


Somehow im too lazy to actually write anything really long here. Constipation of brains, name it. Haha. Just that im kind of sure of what im doing now, and my tropical biology is killing me. 50 pages to memorize a day are absurd! Yeah oxana if you’re reading this, YOU”RE ABSURD!

Sleepless night! Yeah rite. I slept too much that I missed class today. But it was worth it. My sleep is somehow more important.

Im happy. Actually sincerely pleased. I don’t know why. Just happy. Im moving soon. Found a lovely room. See, im the only one who lives in a different hostel. All my other classmates lives in 5th hostel. This would give me a chance to get closer to them. Yeah

Taral made me laugh hysterically today. He said save water, drink beer. I looked at him and burst out laughing. I kind of like the noise pollution in kakas room. Maybe because my unit is really quiet. 8 gujus together can sometimes drive you crazy but my hindi is really picking up. I mean the moment I step into their room, my English button is switched off lol

Well that’s all. Im just bored, but happy. Take care chiou

This is driving me nuts. Im losing my sleep. Losing my sanity. What the hell did I ever do to you for deserving a slap every day at 3 am!

Where do I go and emit my frustration? If only any one could comprehend what im trying to say…

Did I wrong you? what revenge do you have? Why deprive me of my beauty sleep? Why the hell hurt me?

Enough of apprehension for the other part of the world. Now you?

Do you even have a name?
Do I even know you?
Why me?..

Cause im feeble?

I need my fucking sleep. Why can’t you have fun with like let’s say the girl who lives above my floor or below me?

You broke my favorite vase! Do you even know how much that cost me. well, ok, dint cost me anything but it was a diwali gift.

I hate you because you’re driving me nuts. Two hours to almost zilch sleep is driving me up the wall.

Stop it. Just stop it. I have a very weak heart. Now! Stop knocking my fucking door. I know it was you last night also. Stop it.

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Well let’s see. Today’s theme would be lessons. Lessons of life that im going to teach a few people. So that they really regret what they did. Cause you persecuted me too

See, if I reply nicely, I get dozen of harsh words. If I don’t reply, it means im ignoring and the assumptions go on.

Im really fed up. When I said ok, it means im giving hopes. When I say no and im a bitch? Common la wei, I mean you can go all out and tell people that you have found your soul mate and behind the back without people knowing you tend to abuse. All I said was sleep well. And you started it..

Yeah tell your mom to find you a nice Indian girl who will give you some allegiance. Oh, don’t forget she has to be pretty too, at least your children’s would be something to look at. Ouch! If you’re itching to get married, go ahead. Want to have kids, go ahead. Cause today baby, I had enough. Lesson begins well, lets say right now

Dancing to ones music. Listening to words. I have grown dear, much more than you have thought. When the tunes go smoothly and the violin string snaps, you replace it don’t you. As for me, when my violin string snaps, I just toss the violin one side. Which reminds me, I should be continuing my classes. Sheesh

You wronged me this time. Threatening me? of all the person? Baby, you messed up again, yet again!

Time to really change my number. Time to pull up my socks and kick asses. Time to be that woman I used to know. Thanks for reminding me how much I have lost myself.

Tu roshan karengi is pariwar ka naam! Heard that line today. But I was denied the line too. Said I was wrong. Said they were wrong. About me. Will prove to them too. That im not that unworthy. One mistake? And im unworthy? Cool. Dint know these things existed in the 21st century.

Im not going to live my life for any of you anymore. Cause you wronged me too. Wronged me too much. Trust expired. Truth prevailed remember. You know the truth and you cant hide from it. Digest it.

I’ll give you what you want. But after that, im leaving. Then the world would be my oyster. Cause you wronged me. Wronged me too much.

Time to live a very very transparent life. but too bad, you’re not gonna watch me live it, cause by the time you realize how much I worth, it’ll be too late 

Good bye old mate. Maybe its forever. And dear, if you get married, I wish u all the happiness in life, but you’re dead inside. Knock you dead soul, wake it up and taste life as it goes. To see me again? I won’t cross your path. Cause I had enough of your shadow.

To the others, don’t teach me how to live my life. Cause I had it. Time to lets say go fishing? Nope. I hate fishing. Takes too much time. Actually I hate fishes. Maybe I’ll set a radar. And hire someone to fish. Raw salmons. Smoked salmons. Delicious. Hahahaha
Time to wear my skirt and kick some asses. Lets say, I’ll start from ahhhhhhhhh found my bitch! Hahahahaha
Till then

taken today morning, dont ya think i have that certain stern figure that says becareful of that mama! hahahaha
view out of my window two days ago
another one from my room window. i like the way the yellow mixes with the green...awesome
in a park near my hostel, near radisheva, the way the maple leaves lined themselves are lovely. if ur into photography, u'll like this
who ever said my nokia is bad has to take it back after seeing this picture. the park was breathtaking sky was clear blue and the leaves...ahhhhhh

Never been this hurt before in my life. Never been this insulted ever. Never had so much hatred. Never been such ever in my life.

What do I want? You ask. Do I have a choice to answer?

Made me feel very small today. No dignity left. No pride left. Very hurt. Broken. Because you don’t understand.

Ever been surrounded with so many people and yet feel so lonely. I totally understand it. Life has never been a bed of roses. Not for me at least

Where have I gone? I have lost myself in this journey called life. perplexed? Buffled?

Where have I vanished? What have I turned into?

Lesser than a human, more than an animal. Cant look at myself anymore. What is left there, tell me

Too hurt to even type. Choking up my throat.

Need to breathe. Need some air. Suffocation. Been there

Pride, the most essential thing in a girls life, I don’t think I have any left anymore. Where do I pick myself? Where do I find myself.

Maybe I should vanish as you wish. This bit I can do for you. disappear from your life because you want me to leave you alone. This bit I can do for you. im sure. If youre happy if this is what you want, you may have it

Hate. Never had so much in my life. so much hatred. I don’t want a life as such. I spread love, don’t want to hate anymore. Too tired of fighting. Being nasty. Enough. Lets stop everything.

Everything…

Well, this entry is to remind some people where they stand in their life or well mine. Firstly, I wasn’t admitted due to fucking stroke. And the interesting rumors that I am partially paralyzed made me laugh frantically today. But what hurts most is it comes from people who actually knew the whole story. And when asked, you just said “ it was fun seeing peoples face when they got to know maha had a stroke’


You sick bastard. I don’t really care if your dad is some big shot who is gonna post me to somewhere really kampong or whatever. You’re sick and you know it. What fun did you get spreading rumors that there was a death prayers for maha on Sunday morning. Sick. Fucking sick.


Your lucky I dint get the news from your mouth. Plus im not to well to walk around showing people that all my limbs have perfect scores. What? You so dumb to know what’s status asthmaticus and a hypertensive crisis. And you’re a fifth year student! Shame on you. seriously, fucking shame of you.


You forget the duty of your profession. If you can’t appreciate life as it is now, you accept me to believe that you can actually save lives in a year and half. Balls! And you know that.


You can’t speak English for nuts. How was it when you said cucumber. Was is CHUCHUMBER! You stupid moron, fucking SOB.


So yeah, don’t come, sneaking behind my back telling people I had fucking stroke when I was in reanimation you sick maggot.

I was into the uni today after 1 week and people ask me how come im walking. And I was so blur. Till someone mentioned to me that they heard I had partial stroke and was paralyzed. Gosh. What wishes do you have?


One thing for sure. Get your own fucking notes. Get your own stuff.


Im so sick and tired of every single person around me. Just buzz off la. I don’t care anymore. And yes, this is the reason why I personally gave my URL of this blog to you today to read the entry.


You mess with me again, you fucking DIE! I will haunt you till the end of your days, squeeze your balls so tight that out of pain and agony, you balls pops up to form your mammary gland and your penis gets stuck in your throat and you plead for forgiveness. And then, perhaps I’ll take a break and well continue to do the same.


Ahh, feel better now.


And in case you don’t understand the words here moron, sorry yeah, I made the English as simple as possible. But since you’re a fucking thick head moron, let me translate to you in two words.


ANAK HARAM!


There..now go burn yourself to death.


To others, ignore this okie. Its just my frustration of not being able to speak out the words directly to the person, but what more fun when the others are reading it too yeah. Call me a bitch, who cares!

this song has been stuck in my head for a long time. the first time i heard it, it took my breath away! from the movie naqaab..ek dhin




Ek din ..Ek din teri raahon
Baahoon mein panaahon mein
Aungaa kho jaunga
Ek din tera ho jaunga

Yeh dil to na keh saka yeh baatein
dil to na keh saka

Tu jaane na tu
Chaahat meri kitni betaab hai

Ho jo barso meri palkon mein tha
Tu wohi khwaab hai
Har ghadi har ghadi teri yaadoon mein
vaadon mein iradon mein
Aungaa kho jaunga
Ek din tera ho jaunga
Yeh dil to na keh yeh baatein
Dil to na keh saka

Yeh Jhukti nazar
Jaane jigar hosh le jati hai
Mein kaise kahon
Ek ajnabi dard dejati hai
Chupke se Chupke se teri neeedon mein

Khwaabon mein khayalon mein
Chaaunga Khojunga
Ek din tera ho jaunga
Ek din ..Ek din teri raahon
Baahoon mein panaahon mein
Aungaa khojaunga
Ek din tera ho jaunga
Yeh dil to na keh yeh baatein
dil to na keh saka


and yes there's another song but i cant find the lyrics.. its from Omar Inayat from the album BE THE ONE. the song tenu lay...is sooooooo nice..especially the part where he says..nei jeena, bin yaara.. his voice. google it, download it and enjoy! worth the buy!

i posted this in 2004 or 2005 but here it goes again

I've learned -that you cannot make someone love you.All you can do is be someone who can be loved.The rest is up to them.

I've learned -that no matter how much I care,some people just don't care back.

I've learned -that it takes years to build up trust,and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned -that it's not what you have in your lifebut who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned -that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.After that, you'd better know something

I've learned -that you shouldn't compareyourself to the best others can dobut to the best you can do.

I've learned -that it's not what happens to peoplethat's important. It's what they do about it.

I've learned -that you can do something in an instantthat will give you heartache for life.

I've learned -that no matter how thin you slice it,there are always two sides.

I've learned -that it's taking me a long timeto become the person I want to be.

I've learned -that it's a lot easierto react than it is to think.

I've learned -that you should always leaveloved ones with loving words.It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned -that you can keep goinglong after you think you can't.

I've learned -that we are responsible for what we do,no matter how we feel.

I've learned -that either you control your attitudeor it controls you.

I've learned -that regardless of how hot and steamya relationship is at first,the passion fades and there had better besomething else to take its place.

I've learned -that heroes are the peoplewho do what has to be donewhen it needs to be done,regardless of the consequences.

I've learned -that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned-that it's not who is saying itbut what is said that's important

I've learned -that there are people who love you dearly,but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned -that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned -that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned -that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned -that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,but that doesn't give methe right to be cruel.

I've learned -that true friendship continues to grow,even over the longest distance.Same goes for true love.

I've learned -that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned -that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from the mand less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned _that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I've learned -that your family won't always be there for you.It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again.Families aren't biological.

I've learned -that no matter how good a friend is,they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned -that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.you have to forgive yourself

I've learned -that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned -that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,but we are responsible for who we become

I've learned -that sometimes when my friends fight,I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.

I've learned -that just because two people argue,it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue,it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned -that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.

I've learned -that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned -that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.It could change your life forever

I've learned -that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned -that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned -that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.

I've learned -that no matter the consequences,those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.

I've learned -that no matter how many friends you have,if you are their pillar you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.

I've learned -that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned -that the truth and only all truth is reality.

I've learned -that when you say only a part of it but not all you can't call it the truth.

I've learned -that even when you think you have no more to give,when a friend cries out to you,you will find the strength to help.

I've learned -that its better to admit if you don't know it rather than keeping quiet,as the price you will pay is not comparable.

I've learned-that not knowing isn't a weakness but pretending to know when you don't is.

I've learned-that you must always know how to keep your priority right.

I've learned-that its better for you to get the blame and to get hurt, rather than letting your kids to know the truth.Your kids future and well being must always be your first priority.

I've learned-that always first you must respect yourself than expect for others to respect you.Same goes for trust and believe.

I've learned-that there are times in your life that if you don't grab it, you never can.

I've learned-that you must always be ready to act in an instant as otherwise you will not ever have a chance to do so, or even if you have, its to late,and its none but only you to blame.

I've learned-that if you only could see and feel the pain one lady goes trough to give birth,than you love, respect and admire all woman.

I've learned -that writing, as well as talking,can ease emotional pains.

I've learned -that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.

I've learned -that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.'

I've learned -that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned -that although the word 'love'can have many different meanings,it loses value when overly used.

I've learned -that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe

I've learned-that lemonade tastes best on a hot, summer day

I've learned-that it truly is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all

AND I'VE LEARNED THAT I LEARNED A LOT TODAY!

I looked at you with such marvel, dreaming of your touch, longing to hear you talk
I doubt if you would ever talk to me,
But I know you do listen to me.
You watched me grow up to be who I am today
You watched me weep those lonely tears.
Never once you betrayed me
Never once you fooled me

You stood there tall, doing your duties
But thru my drape I see you peep
When the breeze blew on my face today
I knew you sent your kisses and your hugs
I felt like embracing you today
I felt like having you in my arms tonight
For no one deserves my sincere love
No one but you my shining star

Now your wondering why I dint come
Let me tell you the story another day
But I stood at my window staring at you
But you were enthralled by someone else
I know the lake is really lovely
I know others love you just as much
But please look at me fully tonight
Cause im telling you a story no one has known

So good nite my bestfriend, my love so true
I wished I was a star right next to you
Although you’re that far, yet close to me
My love for you is unconditional and free


Ahh, can’t believe I got thiiiis vulnerable when I saw the moon. I love the moon. And I think the moon loves me too.
No one could appreciate the moon better than me..i call him Chandamama. Or I call him jaan. And sometimes I call him baby. Depends on my mood.

You know its rather hurting that he comes visiting only maybe for a week in a month. But his presence there is much more than I could ask for.

The sky is lovely, sprinkled with stars. But without my moon, (yes, he’s mine) it’s never complete. When he’s there, all I would say is …PERFECT!...


Nota bena : the above is not a poem or anywhere near mine. I cant find words to describe how much I feel for the moon. So it’s just arbitrary writing. Back to staring at the moon.

Ever had a reoccurring dream? Something you dreamt of over and over again. Many times and yet you can’t figure out why.

I’ve had this dream since twenty four. I was always running in the dream. It’s a lovely place, like suburbs of Italy or France. But it looked like France to me. Somewhere I have been. A very familiar place. And I was sitting and looking at my reflection by a lovely stream. I had flowers in my hands. I see a temple, but not a hindu temple, on a hill. I hear bells. And suddenly, I hear noises. Loud noises. People screaming.

And start running. I don’t know why im running, but I ran. Kept running. And im caught. By people I don’t know. And they slashed my thigh. And I scream in pain. But I kept running. Then they slashed my back. I lose my top and I kept running. I heard people screaming Timbuktu. I kept looking around to see who was screaming and no one was around. But I kept hearing it over and over again.

Then suddenly a hand appears, I hear the voice. A male. He said “ hold me” and I grab his hand and kept running. I cant see his face but I kept screaming at him saying Yamataka (not yamakata). I kept saying that over and over again, screaming. And I always wake up at this point.

I had this dream yesterday for the 8th time. I really cant figure out what it means. But its scary. i always wake up sweating, as if I have really had this huge run. I know its weird. But if anyone really knows how to interpret this dream, please let me know.

Have a good day, till then

There’s a few things that most people need to know about me. Unlike other girls who get flattered by gifts, roses and chocolates, I get flattered by manners. Being clean on the dining table, no foul words, and being himself would be rather flattering.

I don’t put the toilet seat down. Don’t even ask why I actually lift it up. I actually realized this in Malaysia when my mom kept complaining that I do not switch off the lights and do not put the toilet lid down. I started laughing. Maybe because we have a common toilet here. Maybe it just became a habit. Funny thought

And I do accept gifts from very limited people. I remember one Pakistani guy who was crazy over me (not showing off). He was really good looking; green eyes (so do the math) and he called me over for Eid celebration. Everyone knows I don’t go anywhere alone until unless im really down or frustrated so I dragged Mohan along. When we went there, I saw this huge bouquet of roses on the table. I pretended, ate, talked and was about to leave. Then he took the bouquet and gave it to me. Without thinking I said no its ok. He was offended of course. The bouquet must have costed him around 2000 rubles, it was so big I don’t think I would be able to see my face while carrying it, you get what I mean. Huge. But I said no. Because, if I would have taken it from him, I’ll be sending a different message to him. So I dint want that. Killed our friendship after that. cute


I do take gifts from people I really care about. But I never ask. Cause I know if I want it, all I have to do is ask my parents and I’ll have it. But, if someone gives it to me, and I take it with a huge smile, it means I like you, or I adore you, or I respect you, or I love you

I mentioned earlier that I appreciate everything in life. the small things, the huge things. People used to say that im a garbage bin, collecting things which were mere rubbish to people. Like maybe I would have flicked someone’s photo or photos while being around them, or took the movie tickets we saw together, or a parking ticket, or a theme park ticket, an empty can of beer, hair from the comb, sweet wrappers, a pen used by this particular person. You know, rubbish from the car, things that dint really matter. Handkerchief. A straw. A broken nail. Weird things

I collect them because they harbor memories. Everything I have around me, has a story. Like I have a whole vase of dried flowers and I know till today which one was given by whom. And it’s been there for the past 5 years.

I love daisies suddenly. I still put roses my number one. But daisies are such happy flowers, like gerberas. The thicker ones last longer, maybe a week, the local ones, the one that grows roadside here, and lasts for a day.

I went flower picking today. I love flowers. Certain flowers. Like I said roses, or daisies or gerberas. But right now in my vase, stands 3 huge Russian chrysanthemums’ dried and well, dead.

I read a phrase today.


Woman would make a good wife if she were a maid in day time and a whore at night.
– Shanaz Haque

I would love to correct that line. A woman would make a good wife is she were a maid in day time and better than a whore at night?

Sad but true. Two ways to hold a man forever would be thru his stomach and thru his bedtime stories. You get what I mean.

Love on the other hand is a just a license to have sex. Maybe. Gone are the days of Romeo and Juliet. Waiting for each other so sincerely, without glancing at another beautiful god’s creation. But heck, we don’t even know if Romeo was a virgin before he met Juliet. Ah, more questions

Read Catch 22 by Joseph Heller. Worth reading. This paragraph is cute but you need to read it to understand the story

‘Why did you want apple cheeks?’ ‘I didn’t want apple cheeks,’ Orr said. ‘I wanted big cheeks. I didn’t care about the color so much, but I wanted them big. I worked at it just like one of those crazy guys you read about who go around squeezing rubber balls all day long just to strengthen their hands. In fact, I was one of those crazy guys. I used to walk around all day with rubber balls in my hands, too.’ ‘Why?’ ‘Why what?’ ‘Why did you walk around all day with rubber balls in your hands?’ ‘Because rubber balls—’ said Orr. ‘—are better than crab apples?’ Orr sniggered as he shook his head. ‘I did it to protect my good reputation in case anyone ever caught me walking around with crab apples in my cheeks. With rubber balls in my hands I could deny there were crab apples in my cheeks. Every time someone asked me why I was walking around with crab apples in my cheeks, I’d just open my hands and show them it was rubber balls I was walking around with, not crab apples, and that they were in my hands, not my cheeks. It was a good story. But I never knew if it got across or not, since it’s pretty tough to make people understand you when you’re talking to them with two crab apples in your cheeks.’ Yossarian found it pretty tough to understand him then, and he wondered once again if Orr wasn’t talking to him with the tip of his tongue in one of his apple cheeks.

Another recommended book is the prophet by Khalil Gibran. When asked what’s love, this is what was mentioned

When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast. All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

The book is downloadable in MIRC. Get into any random servers and log on to #bookz. I got a copy from there.

Im still reading the prince by nicolo Machiavelli. I’ll comment after reading it.

Well then, im going to close today’s post with a random quote.


We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.
–W. Somerset Maugham
Till then, ponder upon the words above while I try to, well, find my identity or maybe have my HARD boiled egg

cant help posting this either. my all time favourite..one of it is from staind. all the time when im down this song plays in my head. perfect. so far away

So Far Away Lyrics » Staind
this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings
i've sharedand these are my dreamsthat
i'd never lived before

somebody shake me'cause ii must be sleeping[chorus

now that we're here,it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes,one life contained
they all finally start to go away

now that we're here its so far awayand i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today

these are my wordsthat i've never said before
i think i'm doing okayand this is the smile
that i've never shown before
somebody shake me 'cause ii must be sleeping

[chorus]i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me

this is one superb song from the movie deepavali..in case u watch tamil movies... read the words


Pogadhe pogadhe nee irrunthaal naan irrupen
pogadhe pogadhe nee pirinthaal naan irrapen
Unnoda vaalntha kaalangal yaavum kanavai ennai mooduthadi
yaar endru neeyum enna paarkum pothu uyrai uyire poguthadi
Kalaraiyil kuda jannal ondru vaithu undhan mugham paarpenadi

Pogadhe pogadhe nee irrunthaal naan irrupen pogadhe pogadhe nee pirinthaal naan irrapen Kalainthalum megham athu meendhum medhakum
Adhu pola thaaney undhan kadhal ennakum
Nadai padhai vilaka kadhal viluntha uddan nadaipathuku Nerupalum mudiyath amma nineivugalai allipathuku
Unnakaga kathirrupen
oh Uyirodu paarthirrupen
oh Pogadhe pogadhe nee irrunthaal naan irrupen
pogadhe pogadhe nee pirinthaal naan irrapen

Alagana neram adhai neethaan kudduthai
Aliyatha sogam athaiyum nee thaan kudduthai
Kan thoogum neram paarthu kadavul vanthu ponathu pol
Yen vaalvil vanthei aanai yemathru thaangavillaiye
Pennai nee illamal Bhoologam irrutiruthei

Pogadhe pogadhe nee irrunthaal naan irrupen
pogadhe pogadhe nee pirinthaal naan irrapen

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed Him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied,"Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life." "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested."Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said.

Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later,

I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins.

Wanna see my scars?"I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live. "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness? " I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man." I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

i have been missing out alot in malaysia. when i checked the news today i found this story. sick fucking assholes. they shud really find the murderer and send him to me. and i'll slice him layer by layer..shes only 8 for gods sake!

http://www.thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2007/9/22/nation/18967906&sec=nation&focus=1

This is really good.
I’ll love my mother til the day I die.

Send it to the kids..... My mom only had one eye. I hated her... she was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students & teachers to support the family. There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so embarrassed. How could she do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out.

The next day at school one of my classmates said, "EEEE, your mom only has one eye!" I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. I confronted her that day and said, " If you're only goanna make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?" My mom did not respond... I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings.

I walked out of that house, and have nothing to do with her. So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study. Then, I got married. I bought a house of my own. I had kids of my own. I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts, Then one day, my mother came to visit me. She hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet her grandchildren. When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I screamed at her, "How dare you come to my house and scare my children!" GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!" And to this, my mother quietly answered, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address," and she disappeared out of sight.

One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip. After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity.

My neighbors said that she died. I did not shed a single tear. They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.

"My dearest son, I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to your house and scared your children. I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you. I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up. You see........when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So I gave you mine. I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye. With all my love to you, Your mother. Always tell someone that you love them because you never know what day will be their last, or your own. Always seek to resolve your problems or disagreements with loved ones because if either of you should pass on before, the one who is left alive will have the rest of their life to ponder those unresolved feelings but will never find closure. And closure usually brings peace...




I only wished the mother was able to let the child know the sacrifice of her own eye. That would certainly have helped the child's appreciation and perspective for the special act of love on the mother's part!. How dumb to have remained silent, and have the son/daughter uncover the truth only after her passing, and end up living in regret and guilt for the rest of his/her life!

Cycle of life
Mahalekshmi Selvanathan
23.3.2004

A poem devoted to all children dying of Aids ( i think i wrote this during lectures on immuno) hahaha

A merry face he once owned,
A deep consequential eye he always shown,
Little did he know he’s destiny is gone,
Counting his days to die alone.

His toddler’s legs, his pliable baby arms,
His affectionate face will bring no harm,
To take him and feel him in my palm,
My tears flow, nothings to be done

He doesn’t merit dying this way,
No one will remember the day he sways
Never will he see the happy days,
Leaving me thunderstruck, nothing to say

I really don’t comprehend, the cycle of life,
It wasn’t his blunder,but he pays the fine,
He smiles not knowing, he’s dying inside,
I’ll weep this soreness for the rest of my life

An innocent soul, God’s to grab,
Now he’ll snooze, his eternal nap,
Don’t die on me, not on my lap,
I prefer not to see, while your soul takes rest.

This is perhaps my last entry for the month. I have pending 10 classes for peadriatrics thanks to my knee and I had to come home early last vacation. And yup, I have failed 9 classes out of that for god knows what reason. Wait, I know the reason. But moving on, yes, so I wont be around either on yahoo or friendster or msn. Anything important message me, and again I repeat if its really important message me. I really need to pass my classes to sit for my exam on 29th and failure to do so would cost me a lot, like me having to repeat my semester. So yes, don’t bug me until unless its really important and to certain someone whos reading this blog, its not that im angry, I know what I am doing and im sticking to it. Once done it’s a mistake, repeating it over and over again means you’re a mistake. Till then adious