Mahalekshmi selvanathan



Sleep my baby, sleep my life,
I’ve loved you for hours and for nights,
Secure your eyes disregard the light,
Soon I shall vanish from your sight


I know you love me, I love you too,
But certain thing just don’t seem right,
My reasons you shall comprehend very soon,
By then again I won’t be at sight…

I discern love hurts but I didn’t believe,
And very soon you’ll feel relieved,
I never thought this day would come thru,
But you proved it right that they surely do

Now go my love, don’t ever turn back,
I’m thankful your love I never lacked,
But when you search me all again,
I’ll be gone wasted in vain….

Its freaking hot here. Nope, Not hot its burning. Ever year I return home to Malaysia in a brighter color, a nicer tone and this time im getting burned in Russia. Basically everyone is in their bras. So is my Russian teacher. I was like just staring at what she was basically wearing. It was so very transparent. If they cant take the heat, how can we I thought. Well I only had one class the whole entire day. I slept way too long today and somehow I feel really good. I have plans for my weekend to watch lots of movie and try studying my blood analysis. Till then tata

Breaking up brings in lot of grief, pain andresentment. Learn how to cope up with the situationand how to control your emotions.

SURVIVING LOST LOVE

When one door of happiness closes, another opens: butoften we look so long at the closed door that we donot see the one that has been opened for us.

Step One: Allow yourself time to heal, and know that you canheal. Whether the loss is due to death, rejection, orother reason. It is normal to grieve over a loss of alove for any reason. It usually takes two to threeyears for a couple whose relationship has broken up tobegin to put their lives back together again. Itsometimes takes five years for individuals andfamilies to get over the emotional pain and trauma.Many people can have serious health and emotionalproblems during this time

BUT... Step Two: Realize that you still can find happiness. Realizethat you can control how you think, what you thinkabout, and how much. A key is to concentrate on thepositives you have in the present. Not thinking aboutthe future or past

Step Three: Activily work to feel better. Act happy and smile.Even if you don't feel that way, it should start tomake you feel that way. Life will be better.
Letting Go Dealing with "Breaking up" is a difficult thing to dobut one has to realize that whatever happens is forthe best. You have to learn to deal with the situationthat your lover is no more there in your life…..he isgone and you have to learn to forget him and live yourlife. You have to let go and move on. It's the crucialstep in moving on to a healthy life. The followinglist gives you some tips and exercises that can helpyou with the process:
1. The first thing that you have to do is practice"Thought controlling". It's normal to have recurringthoughts about your ex. One way to do it is to decideon a specific time of day where you will give yourselfover to the thoughts. At that time think about your exand think about someone else you like. Again thinkabout him and then think about your work. By doingthis you will learn to control your thoughts. If youfind yourself obsessing at other times, force yourselfto "change the channel" in your brain, or pickyourself up and do something constructive - listen toyour favourite music, take a walk, exercise, water theplants, etc.

2. Instead of lamenting the end, celebrate it. Put onsome music, throw a party for yourself, jump up anddown, and yell, "Thank God he is out of my life!"

3. Call all your friends and have them pep you up. Getyour pals on the phone and ask them to remind you ofall your wonderful traits. Let them take your side andtell you how wonderful you are.

4. Deal with the situation pragmatically. If you wereinvolved in a relationship with a married man and herefuses to leave his wife for you. You know that heloves you very much, but he can't leave because he isworried about his kids, his business, and his wife.This situation is quite natural and expected so ifonly you had looked at the situation logically fromthe beginning, you wouldn't have been as devastated asyou are after he leaves you. While it will be stupidto punish yourself, you should have been prepared forthe possibility.

5. Reaffirm that you deserve to be treated well. Goover all the sides of the story. Was he mean, cruel,insensitive? And then tell yourself that you deservebetter.

6. Keep a sense of humor. Research has shown thatlaughter strengthens the immune system. So laugh andforget your pain.

7. Flush out your anger. Write your ex a letter,pouring out your hurt, disappointment, and anger --but don't send it. Or else think he is in front of youand then pour out your anger on him or pour out youranger on a punching bag. That's a good way to purgeyour feelings.

8. Rebuild trust. Don't generalize men as "MCP". Ofcourse, trust gets shattered after you're hurt, buttry to forget the past and keep a clean slate. If youlive in fear, imagining that all men are unfaithfuland are not trustworthy, this is the reality that youwill create. Be open to new relationships and learn totrust people who are trustworthier, and who are worthyof your trust.

9. Most important thing is "Don't blame yourself forwhat happened". It is not your fault that your ex leftyou. He is just not good for you and he doesn'tdeserve you


pst people....rejoice and celebrate being single!

my mom and my baby aerial
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me on the way back to malaysia in taskent...one year back sighh
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an orthodox church in central of kursk
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the kursk submarine memorial
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me in mah room in russia
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me at the kursk gate
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me me meeeeeee
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Saturday and Sunday was a perfect get off for me. Basically I had fun with my friends and got to know them better. I leanred one thing from them, you give them what you want from them. I realized that if u actually trusted them with your heart, they would give you their heart too. We talked the whole night thru Saturday and on Sunday, lets see.

I dint have the mood to log in the web. I basically stayed on bed till one till I got someone waking me up. I was late for church as usual. Well, I called logen to wake up and got him to come with me and raj to the church. We aren’t Christians, but I somewhat found it rather relaxing to just go to the church and lit up some candles. The church was closed for some occasion I was told. We went in to lit the candles and I was a little bit shaken when I saw a coffin with a lovely lady in it. Time to leave I told logen and raj.
We walked back slowly and on the way I picked some wild flowers for the prayers that night. I did my laundry and other stuffs and went to bed at one. Rather early I must say

Well I woke up late today. My class was at 8 and I woke up at 8. I went to class by a taxi and had the reasons of having diarrhea. Thankfully I was allowed into class. I managed to get thru the blood analysis which we have been struggling to do for the past 3 weeks.

I have surgery later in the afternoon which I have not prepared any notes for. Maybe I should start now. I should be in time.

Well till then people stay tuned.

I've learned -

that you cannot make someone love you.All you can do is be someone who can be loved.The rest is up to them.

I've learned -

that no matter how much I care,some people just don't care back.

I've learned -

that it takes years to build up trust,and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned -

that it's not what you have in your lifebut who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned -

that you can get by on charmfor about fifteen minutes.After that, you'd better know something

I've learned -

that you shouldn't compareyourself to the best others can dobut to the best you can do.

I've learned -

that it's not what happens to peoplethat's important. It's what they do about it.

I've learned -

that you can do something in an instantthat will give you heartache for life.

I've learned -

that no matter how thin you slice it,there are always two sides.

I've learned -

that it's taking me a long timeto become the person I want to be.

I've learned -

that it's a lot easierto react than it is to think.

I've learned -

that you should always leaveloved ones with loving words.It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned -

that you can keep goinglong after you think you can't.

I've learned -

that we are responsible for what we do,no matter how we feel.

I've learned -

that either you control your attitudeor it controls you.

I've learned -

that regardless of how hot and steamya relationship is at first,the passion fades and there had better besomething else to take its place.

I've learned -

that heroes are the peoplewho do what has to be donewhen it needs to be done,regardless of the consequences.

I've learned -

that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned-

that it's not who is saying itbut what is said that's important

I've learned -

that there are people who love you dearly,but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned -

that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned -

that my best friend and I can do anythingor nothing and have the best time.

I've learned -

that sometimes the people you expectto kick you when you're downwill be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned -

that sometimes when I'm angryI have the right to be angry,but that doesn't give methe right to be cruel.

I've learned -

that true friendship continues to grow,even over the longest distance.Same goes for true love.

I've learned -

that just because someone doesn't love youthe way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned -

that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from the mand less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned _

that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would beif they believed it.

I've learned -

that your family won't always be there for you.It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love youand teach you to trust people again.Families aren't biological.

I've learned -

that no matter how good a friend is,they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned -

that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.you have to forgive yourself

I've learned -

that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned -

that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,but we are responsible for who we become

I've learned -

that sometimes when my friends fight,I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.

I've learned -

that just because two people argue,it doesn't mean they don't love each otherAnd just because they don't argue,it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned -

that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.

I've learned -

that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned -

that you shouldn't be so

eager to find out a secret.It could change your life forever

I've learned -

that two people can lookat the exact same thingand see something totally different.

I've learned -

that no matter how you try to protectyour children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned -

that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.

I've learned -

that no matter the consequences,those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.

I've learned -

that no matter how many friends you have,if you are their pillar you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.

I've learned -that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned -

that the truth and only all truth is reality.

I've learned -

that when you say only a part of it but not all you can't call it the truth.

I've learned -

that even when you thinkyou have no more to give,when a friend cries out to you,you will find the strength to help.

I've learned -

that its better to admit if you don't know it rather than keeping quiet,as the price you will pay is not comparable.

I've learned-

that not knowing isn't a weakness but pretendingto know when you don't is.

I've learned-

that you must always know how to keep your priority right.

I've learned-

that its better for you to get the blame and to get hurt, rather than letting your kids to know the truth.Your kids future and well being must alwaysbe your first priority.

I've learned-

that always first you must respect yourself than expect for others to respect you.Same goes for trust and believe.

I've learned-

that there are times in your life that if you don't grab it, you never can.

I've learned-

that you must always be readyto act in an instant as otherwise you will not ever have a chance todo so, or even if you have, its to late,and its none but only you to blame.

I've learned-

that if you only could see and feelthe pain one lady goes trough to give birth,than you love, respect and admire all woman.

I've learned -

that writing, as well as talking,can ease emotional pains.

I've learned -

that the paradigm we live inis not all that is offered to us.

I've learned -

that credentials on the walldo not make you a decent human being.

I've learned -

that the people you care most about in lifeare taken from you too soon.

I've learned -

that although the word 'love'can have many different meanings,it loses value when overly used.

I've learned -

that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe

I've learned-

that lemonade tastes beston a hot, summer day

I've learned-

that it truly is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all

AND I'VE LEARNED THAT I LEARNED A LOT TODAY!

Pathological anatomy went fine today. I picked up myself from where I stopped. Russian class was a slow suicide as usual. I had to attend lecture since it was an important topic. Nothing much to say now. Am just going to laze around and prepare for class tomorrow

a moment i'll always treasure ..had to jump in with my shirt and jeans..
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I had a magnificent day the whole day till some smart jackass had to blight it. Surgery went on effortlessly and for once he actually looked at my face to eavesdrop to my answers. Maybe it was just the skirt or maybe it was just my luck. Pathological physiology even turned out better. I was smiling the whole entire day till the evening. I reached home early then went out to tutor some new comers some dance steps for their concert. I came home and logged on line and all I get it freaking people with no brainpower. Sometimes I wonder, how can anyone give their hearts away online? How? It’s possible to have an online love affair I know, but without any assurance of no broken feelings later? All I know is behind every nick there is a human with a heart. I don’t critic people by their color or their face. I give them a possibility in everything they do, and yeah in the end of the day the blame still comes to the person involved. How can anyone trust their deepest clandestine to a man they have met just maybe a year ago? Without a single meeting, without knowing the feeling of touching him, without even knowing how he actually looks? I just kept wondering the whole night about this? Was it worth to actually sit in front of the net and talking to nicks? For all you know it might be a ten year old child imposing to be a 29 year old guy. I just can’t stop thinking. Im retiring now to bed, with so much of detestation in my heart, and yes I have so much to pulverize in my head, I’ll just leave now..Chiou

this song holds a whole lot of memories for me...of someone who was and always will be dear to me...:((

Aaj jaane ki zid na karo (3)
Yunhi pehloo mein baithe raho (2)
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Haay mar jaayenge, hum to lut jaayenge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo (2)
Haay mar jaayenge, hum to lut jaayenge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Tum hi socho zara, kyun na roke tumhe
Jaan jaati hai jab uth ke jaate ho tum (2)
Tumko apni qasam jaan-e-jaan
Baat itni meri maan lo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Yunhi pehloo mein baithe raho (2)
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Haay mar jaayenge, hum to lut jaayenge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Waqt ki qaid mein zindagi hai magar (2)
Chand ghadiyan yehi hain jo aazad hain (2)
Inko khokar mere jaan-e-jaan
Umr bhar na taraste raho
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Haay mar jaayenge, hum to lut jaayenge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Kitna maasoom rangeen hai yeh sama
Husn aur ishq ki aaj mein raaj hai (2)
Kal ki kisko khabar jaan-e-jaan
Rok lo aaj ki raat ko
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Yunhi pehloo mein baithe raho (2)
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Haay mar jaayenge, hum to lut jaayenge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo

me on top of a hill
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nirshan me and raj..two people here whom are very close to me
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me by the lake side
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I need some time away from IRC. I decided to relinquish yes, but for a while, till I sort my life out. Everything seems to be against me. My existence, my studies, my acquaintances, my classmates even the milieu. Each time I think of wearing a skirt it god damn rains. How much I endeavor nothing seems to turn out optimistic for me. People keep bitching about me either in actual or virtually. I don’t really know why. If I were to say that they’re desirous, I then question myself, what are they so jealous about? There’s no answer to any of my questions. I bring up these questions and I try to figure out my own answers. When I affirmed that I should leave IRC for while, I get a letter saying that maybe my access should be suspended or maybe I should be detached from the ops list. I don’t get it. I joined IRC for fun. Why did I get ops in the first place? Was it for Ashutosh? Or was it for the fact that I was merely a person fun to be hanging out with? I still don’t get it. Why in spite of everything, he left without any grounds, without any statements, asking back for his BNC which made no sense to me. For the past one week, I’ve been thinking and reflecting back about my past. Was it ever my blunder? Was I the one who invited my own problems? I was so naïve at that time. I lived life one day at a time. I dint care about the world. The world was my oyster. I had everything. Everything a girl can ask for. My youth was everything to me. But 4 years of my life went shattered for nuts. I suffered more than anyone can envision. Then I left my country to this cursed place. To run away from my predicament. To hide from my qualms. To achieve my ambition. And now I get this in return. Treachery. Right under my nose. I try my best to smile at my enemies. I help them I every way I can. Well today, I helped a blind man cross the road. And he in return said god bless you thank you. To me it meant a world. That was me. The old me. It’s been so many years since I helped a blind man cross the road. That was the missing me. I used to love charity. I would give my bus fares to the beggars and walk home. And yet I enjoyed the moment truly. I loved animals. I adored kids. I loved visits to the orphanage. But since I stepped here, everything vanished. These feelings, everything. Maybe it’s just me and im blaming everyone around me. Maybe I should think a little more positive these days. Maybe Maybe Maybe. Maybe this was never the place I was supposed to be. Maybe I was never meant to be a doctor. Maybe I was never supposed to meet certain people in my life. Maybe it’s just me….