this song holds a whole lot of memories for me...of someone who was and always will be dear to me...:((

Aaj jaane ki zid na karo (3)
Yunhi pehloo mein baithe raho (2)
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Haay mar jaayenge, hum to lut jaayenge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo (2)
Haay mar jaayenge, hum to lut jaayenge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Tum hi socho zara, kyun na roke tumhe
Jaan jaati hai jab uth ke jaate ho tum (2)
Tumko apni qasam jaan-e-jaan
Baat itni meri maan lo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Yunhi pehloo mein baithe raho (2)
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Haay mar jaayenge, hum to lut jaayenge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Waqt ki qaid mein zindagi hai magar (2)
Chand ghadiyan yehi hain jo aazad hain (2)
Inko khokar mere jaan-e-jaan
Umr bhar na taraste raho
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Haay mar jaayenge, hum to lut jaayenge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Kitna maasoom rangeen hai yeh sama
Husn aur ishq ki aaj mein raaj hai (2)
Kal ki kisko khabar jaan-e-jaan
Rok lo aaj ki raat ko
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Yunhi pehloo mein baithe raho (2)
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo
Haay mar jaayenge, hum to lut jaayenge
Aisi baatein kiya na karo
Aaj jaane ki zid na karo

me on top of a hill
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nirshan me and raj..two people here whom are very close to me
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me by the lake side
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I need some time away from IRC. I decided to relinquish yes, but for a while, till I sort my life out. Everything seems to be against me. My existence, my studies, my acquaintances, my classmates even the milieu. Each time I think of wearing a skirt it god damn rains. How much I endeavor nothing seems to turn out optimistic for me. People keep bitching about me either in actual or virtually. I don’t really know why. If I were to say that they’re desirous, I then question myself, what are they so jealous about? There’s no answer to any of my questions. I bring up these questions and I try to figure out my own answers. When I affirmed that I should leave IRC for while, I get a letter saying that maybe my access should be suspended or maybe I should be detached from the ops list. I don’t get it. I joined IRC for fun. Why did I get ops in the first place? Was it for Ashutosh? Or was it for the fact that I was merely a person fun to be hanging out with? I still don’t get it. Why in spite of everything, he left without any grounds, without any statements, asking back for his BNC which made no sense to me. For the past one week, I’ve been thinking and reflecting back about my past. Was it ever my blunder? Was I the one who invited my own problems? I was so naïve at that time. I lived life one day at a time. I dint care about the world. The world was my oyster. I had everything. Everything a girl can ask for. My youth was everything to me. But 4 years of my life went shattered for nuts. I suffered more than anyone can envision. Then I left my country to this cursed place. To run away from my predicament. To hide from my qualms. To achieve my ambition. And now I get this in return. Treachery. Right under my nose. I try my best to smile at my enemies. I help them I every way I can. Well today, I helped a blind man cross the road. And he in return said god bless you thank you. To me it meant a world. That was me. The old me. It’s been so many years since I helped a blind man cross the road. That was the missing me. I used to love charity. I would give my bus fares to the beggars and walk home. And yet I enjoyed the moment truly. I loved animals. I adored kids. I loved visits to the orphanage. But since I stepped here, everything vanished. These feelings, everything. Maybe it’s just me and im blaming everyone around me. Maybe I should think a little more positive these days. Maybe Maybe Maybe. Maybe this was never the place I was supposed to be. Maybe I was never meant to be a doctor. Maybe I was never supposed to meet certain people in my life. Maybe it’s just me….

found this from a forwarded mail...enjoy

5 golden rules for finding your life partner by Rabbi Dov Heller,

M.A.A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules forreviewing the prospects of long-term marital success.When it comes to making the decision about choosing alife partner, no one wants to make a mistake.Yet,with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent (inUSA), it appears that many are making serious mistakesin their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right!If you ask most couples who are engaged why they'regetting married, they'll say: "We're in love." Ibelieve this is the #1 mistake people make when theydate. Choosing a life partner should never be based onlove.Though this may sound not politically correct, there'sa profound truth here. Love is not the basis forgetting married. Rather, love is the result of a goodmarriage. When the other ingredients are right, thenthe love will come.Let me say it again:You CANNOT build a lifetime relationship on lovealone. You need a lot more. Here are 5 questions youmust ask yourself if you're serious about finding &keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this soimportant? Let me put it this way: If you're marriedfor 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live withsomeone. What do you plan to do with each other allthat time? Travel, eat & jog together? You need toshare something deeper & more meaningful. You need acommon life purpose. Two things can happen in amarriage. You can grow together, or you can growapart. 50 percent of the people out there are growingapart. To make a marriage work, you need to know whatyou want out of life - bottom line - & marry someonewho wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:Do I feel safe expressing my feelings & thoughts withthis person? This question goes to the core of thequality of your relationship. Feeling safe means youcan communicate openly with this person. The basis ofhaving good communication is trust- i.e. trust that Iwon't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honestthoughts & feelings. A colleague of mine defines anabusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid toexpress your thoughts & feelings. Be honest withyourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionallysafe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is arefined & sensitive person.How can you test?Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personalgrowth on a regular basis?Are they serious about improving themselves? Ateacher of mine defines a good person as "someone whois always striving to be good & do the right thing."So ask about your significant other:What do they do with their time? Is this personmaterialistic? Usually a materialistic person is notsomeone whose top priority is character refinement.There are essentially two types of people in theworld: People who are dedicated to personal growth &people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someonewhose goal in life is to be comfortable will putpersonal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. Youneed to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:How does he/she treat other people? The one mostimportant thing that makes any relationship work isthe ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability togive another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someonewho enjoys giving pleasure to others or are theywrapped up in themselves & self-absorbed? To measurethis, think about the following: How do they treatpeople whom they do not have to be nice to, such aswaiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc. How do theytreat parents & siblings? Do they have gratitude &appreciation?If they don't have gratitude for the people who havegiven them everything, you cannot expect that they'llhave gratitude for you-who can't do nearly as much forthem!Do they gossip & speak badly about others? Someone whogossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can besure that someone who treats others poorly, willeventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:Is there anything I'm hoping to change about thisperson after we're married? Too many people make themistake of marrying someone with the intention oftrying to "improve" them after they're married. As acolleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expectsomeone to change after marriage .. for the worse!" Ifyou cannot fully accept this person the way they arenow, then you are not ready to marry them. Inconclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult &treacherous. The key is to try leading a little morewith your head & less with your heart. It pays to beas objective as possible when you are dating, to besure to ask questions that will help you get to thekey issues.Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wakeup with a ring on your finger, you don't want to findyourself in trouble because you didn't do yourhomework.

the lake side that we went recently
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on the way to the lake
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near the lake
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me during a barbecue party recently
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LOST
Message:
I'm alone and feeling lostIf I could only have it allThen I'd be alrightCuz I can't see who I really amThrough all the doubt that I'm livin' inv I don'tknow it, yeahRight before I hit the groundWhy am I losing sleep?Yeah, feelin' like I doWhy am I losing you?And I'm feeling lostThere's a dark cloud over meAnd I can't shake it off,I can't make a move to save myselfThoughts keep spinnin through my headAll the times that we never did what we wanted to,yeahBut right before I hit the groundIt's just like a dreamWhy am I losing sleep?Yeah, feelin like I doWhy am I losing you?And I'm feeling lostThe distance growsI'm sinkin' downAnd what I lost, it can't be foundAlthough I try, can't find my wayNothing's fallin into placeI'm alone, yeahI'm feelin lostI feel, I feel, yeah, it's just like a dreamWhy am I losing sleep?Yeah, feelin' like I doWhy am I losing you?I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm lostWhy am I losing sleep?Yeah, feelin like I doWhy am I losing you?And I'm feeling lost~The Calling~

I was so energized to wake up today hoping that the day would be absolutely fine. It got bright by 5 am and it made me more keyed up. The clock devotedly showed 11am. I knew it was tardy to make my rounds to the market as the barbecue was to be at 1pm. I decided to haul raj to the market to get some stuffs.

I took raj to the bank, withdraw some money and walked back to the hostel. I was as excited as it’s been such an elongated time since I went out with my friends. I realized that many people were on the streets since it was Victory Day. Little did I realize that some dickhead actually pickpocket me. I was searching for my purse everywhere when my guard came to my room and showed me my purse. I was relieved at first and my heart pulverized while I opened my purse to check if my money, which was my monthly stipend that I have withdraw from the bank a few minutes ago. The money was gone. I couldn’t stop my tears and went to my room and sat there for a minute. What hurt me the most was that it was my elder sister’s money, her hard earned money that she sent me and some dim-witted Russian stole it? I was sloppy, I know. As I said everything was against me. My friends were waiting for me for the barbecue and I dint want to upset them. I told them to go ahead. They left.

With a very grave heart I went for the barbecue. I told raj that I dint want to upset everyone that was going with a morose face. So heavily I put on a smile and left for the barbecue. The foliage around the area was mind comforting. It was a refreshing view I must say.

We had fun. True fun. The lake was beautiful and the surrounding was mesmerizing. The best part was that Marcus and Raj got into the lake and I just couldn’t take it anymore so I jumped in together with Jozzy.

We came back all feeling bushed but inside us we all had true fun. Im too weary to type further…stay tuned

Well it’s been days since actually logged on to the internet and browsed around. I am rather hushed these days. Everything seems to be against me and not only in real life; it’s rather the same on the virtual world too. Im sick of people, I seem to hate crowd and I find sleeping the best medicine to cure my seclusion and tediousness. NO, im not lonely or any sort of that, I have raj, mike and my gorgeous Garfield. This is the time I wished I was in Malaysia with my family. I miss my darling so very much and I hope he was here with me now.

Today, while taking the bus, I felt as if that today I was predestined to die. The feelings were so very real; I felt wintry chills around me. I knew something was so erroneous or something was to occur. I waited for the correct bus and got into the wrong bus. I still don’t know why I did that. In the bus I just felt that something was to happen and that actually sent shivers up my vertebrae. So I got down at the very next stop and took a taxi to my class which was located in a hospital which was very remote away. Getting into the taxi kind off reassured me I don’t really know why. The day went on fine.

I just don’t understand how people can be so mean and egocentric. I mean, what’s the use of being so selfish with notes and knowledge. That’s not the way my parents brought me up. Somehow I find most Malaysian as such. And im very sure many agrees with me at this point.

Someone told me acerbically to start trusting people at least a bit. That question seems to be haunting till now. I don’t get it. I have completely lost confidence on every single person in Kursk. I just can’t think of trusting anyone else than Mike and raj, who basically are the closest person to me in Kursk. Besides them I only trust the person I see in the mirror and that’s all.

Russian class was rather appealing today. We learned about the World War 2 and plus it was nice hearing the tales about Hitler and another guy, victor something. There was one like that sounded really nice, feel affection for your enemy and you’re the same as god. I started laughing. Maybe they should put those words all over the town especially in the University for People to read, but then again I don’t think its going to make any sense for these medical students who came here and lost themselves just to win the endurance here.

I miss my mother appallingly today, especially that mother’s day is just two days away and it’s the 4th year im away from home. I wish that I could just get a possibility to embrace her and kiss her, and MOM, I know you’re reading this, just wanted to tell you, that I really miss you, your hugs, your kisses, your cooking and if in anytime you feel a abrupt gentle wind around you, that’s me, sending you my kisses and love thru the air. I love u so very much and for every birth to come, I pray that you’ll be there.

Tell me who admires and loves you, and I will tell you who you are
Charles augustin sainte-beauve

me in mah lobby before a class
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I woke up feeling frustrated as usual. I decided too many things today. Made my mind up about lots of things which keep lingering around my mind? I decided to quit IRC for good. It’s no more a little home for me these days. Way too much politics and way too much gossips. Well one phrase that kind of tickled me today was “my presence might make u feel embarrassed” made any sense to u? It dint make any sense to me. Well im not really well today, this freaking fever has been roaming around in every part of my body since the past month and refused to move a bit. Im not into the mood of writing anything right now, so I’ll just sleep and move my day through. Till then.

Well basically I came home from my path anatomy class and I thought it was just a squander attending class today. I slept at 9pm yesterday and the resonance of my alarm that was humming since 11pm did not stir me up. I got up at sharp 8 am today morning owing to the voice of my roommate chatting on the phone. I was taken aback and was still lost in my own world wondering if it was 8pm or 8 am. I stared at the clock for a while wondering if I should attend classes for the day. Then I moved like a sloth to the lavatory. I jumped from the toilet and ran to utras room and woke her up hastily. She jumped out of bed in distress and I announced that I wanted her path anatomy notes. She gave me this ogle that was so uproarious but I didn’t chuckle in front of her. Made my day!

I got all set and watched my roommate loaf around. I got my stuffs collectively and at that time I remembered how I used to bundle my school bag before attending classes in school. My mother checked my homework every single day and made certain I completed my entire home chore. I really wished my mom was here now. At least I would have breakfast before parting for all my classes.

I walked even slower than a sloth for class today. I reached there and found my classmates standing outside the classroom. Great! My educator was even behind schedule for class. Class went thru okay and I rushed home to the bathroom. My tummy was really distress for no reasons. Seems like my stomach has a mood swing even worst than mine these days.

I had a row with a little girl on the web. Seems like this women loves to get in between people’s affiliation and the worst part is she manage to breaks it, either an ongoing relationship or an indistinct relationship. odd to think that people just don’t seem to have other things to do than lame on net day and night. Someone was nuking me and I renowned the IP address the very second my AVG showed me the address. hilarious someone like that wanted to nuke me I thought. I have left my nuking trial and blunder way back in time. I only managed to break through email addresses and even once broke a firewall thanks to my online don.

Russian class made me brood today. I was really early for class today so I lingered just about the refectory waiting for my classmates to turn up. I ended up being the late comer and was scolded by my educator for not wishing her. Well, coming to think of it, I’ve misplaced the gracious me since I stepped into Russia. I used to wish everyone from my teachers to the bazaar old female and now I just sense it’s not worth it to even convey my wishes and compliments to any one of them.

I packed up my stuffs and hurried to forth. In between I managed to grumble to Mike about something that has been bothering me. He with a merry face as natural managed to pacify me down. I was famished, not hungry. I could gobble a whole cow cause I dint have a bit of anything the whole entire day. I spammed the whole day, till I got a caveat which made me laugh. Right now my darling mike is out for football and I managed to read his logs. Im amazed that he seems to respect me so very much as a sister to an extend of calling me an angel. When I read his blog my respect for him turned out even more, my love for him as a brother grew fonder. I always looked up to Mike for his benevolence. I have never seen anyone as kind as he was.
Guess now im going to hit on my books for a while. Tomorrow I have propedeutics and pharmacology. Two killing subjects. Tonight I won’t be sleeping again. Well till then folks, stay tuned.

vicky and all the kids during some wedding...i somewhat found this picture to be the best among all my collection..
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my younger sister whos growing up to be more like myself...ermmm
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me after a performance for the russian concert.
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the entrance of my university
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